Health’s Guide to L.A.
- Words: Health
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1. Best sit-down restaurant: Vegan House, Echo Park
This is where the good yum-yum takes place, right next to the foot clinic on Sunset. We recommend the high-protein salad–spend the extra dollar, son, and get that “fried chicken” on top. Get extra tahini dressing–you’re gonna need it.
2. Best drink: G.T. Gingerberry Kombucha
Boochey… as in komboochey, and Gingerberry is the best. Insures solid a.m. dook despite how much beer and burrito you throw at it.
3. Best roach coach: Vons parking lot on Alvarado Street
So good. Spicy, spicy green sauce. The dook may be solid, but it’s still gonna burn like track one on Rage’s first album.
4. Best blog: Celebrity Juggalos
All your favorite celebrities and local scene stars made over with Juggalo facepaint and Photoshop lens flares by a revolving cast of artists. Slayer redone as “Slaygo: Reign in Faygo” is the band favorite.
5. Best live show: Beach Balls at Pehrspace
Local noise dudes Beach Balls blew our minds with a mega-high-concept noise set. Hard to describe, but it was a medley of tunes ending with Rihanna’s “Umbrella,” where the last “ella” kept repeating–like “ella, ella, ella, ella”–for, like, a minute while everyone got all amped, then they broke into super-harsh noise and it turned into a riot until E-40 showed up at the end. Everyone went nuts, but no one clapped.
6. Best L.A. slang: “C&C Music Factory”
The C&C roughly translates to “cock in the mouth, coke in the nose.” It basically refers to having a raucous night. “Math balls” is good too. Everyone in L.A. talks retarded.
7. Best liquor store: House of Spirits, Echo Park
Not just everything you would ever drink (‘cept booch), everything you would ever buy. If you forget a birthday, they got you covered.
We buy our socks there.
8. Best 7-inch: Abe Vigoda's “Animal Ghosts”
So good, it’s already sold out. It’s the debut of their new “tropical” sound. Vigodies Mike and Juan are on the speed dial of setting the party off, ’specially ’cuz Mike brings Mika Miko skins girl Kate Hall, who is killin’ the game when it comes to partying.
9. Cultural trend: Jumpstyle
Captain Ahab became Captain Jumpstyle and for two weeks everyone was on YouTube studying how to jumpstyle dance just like the Belgians. Then he left on tour and everyone forgot.
10. Best place to dook: The Smell bathroom
Don’t be a wuss–just do it. Boys, hold your junk so it don’t tap that eggplant looking thing in the front. Also, who the hell wrote on our sticker?
Not cool, dudes.
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