BJ “Bitter” Bastard’s 2009 No-No's

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The mistletoe was hung, the menorah was lit without burning the house down, and holiday nog had everyone singing old Whitney Houston songs with tears in their eyes. But over the holiday season, BJ “Bitter” Bastard also had many moments (and many long bowel movements) during which to contemplate the most annoying, mojo-detonating trends of 2008. With a limited-edition Mont Blanc–filled with blood from venomous bats, of course–Bitter Bastard penned this list of commandments of what to do and not to do in 2009.

1. Thou shalt not holler at your boy on my time.
What is up with cashiers being on their cellphones while they’re trying to check you out? Tyrell, are you calling your lady on the Bluetooth headset to tell her I’m buying the generic Walgreens tampons? Damn son, text your boo on your break!

2. Thou shalt give me free wireless.
Damn you, unreliable stolen internet! You virtual grinches should really share the airwaves with those of us too cheap to pay for wireless ourselves.

3. Thou shalt not wear scroggy cut-offs.
Cut-off jean shorts with slip-on Vans were the last few summers’ sorry (but successful!) attempt at the Beavis and Butthead look. We can’t help associate this look with people who "used to skate" and their sweaty nuts…

4. Thou shalt put science to good use.
Let me get this straight: You can make an HPV vaccine and Blu-Ray disc but you still haven’t figured out how to make beer with zero calories? Pshaw. What do you do in those chem labs all day?

6. Thou shalt not become a techno cliché.
Hey, I like Kompakt too, but I don’t look like a fucking bald albino space alien. How about you extract yourself from the message boards for five minutes and go get some sun? Talk to a girl in person?

7. Thou shalt not organize or attend any piss-poor festivals.
Are we getting old, or do festivals suck? All the ones that were good now just book boring-ass dance-rock bands–the kind we’re not sure anyone actually likes–to try to sell more tickets. How much b.s., travel times, long lines, packed transit, and high ticket prices are you willing to put up with to go to a show?

8. Thou shalt not over-wizard.
We’ve already had enough of bands with spooky names, wizard themes, or crystal-something going on (either in their moniker, or crystals depicted on their covers) and the onslaught hasn’t even started yet. Didn’t you learn from everyone overdoing it on skulls and owls and wolves? Fuck you guys. My spirit animal is a dugong.

9. Thou shalt not dress like a spandex Skittles.
I get it–it’s cheap basics. However, if more than 50% of your wardrobe is American Apparel, you need to branch out. Try, say... Uniqlo. Hell, take it back to The Gap. Everyone is starting to look like a day-glo modern dance student and it’s hurting my eyes.

10. Thou shalt not make any more boring reality shows.
TV is getting so meta. Every time you turn it on, they’ve made a reality show out of another reality show, encrusted inside a third one. Don't even get me started on “extreme jobs” shows. You know, crab fishing, trucking, raising kids. Shit, books are starting to look real good again.