Bitter Bastard: Worst Style Trends
To deaf ears, BJ sounds off on the most atrocious things to wear (or attend) this fall.
1. Weight-loss sneakers
Why run, now that there are shoes that make you lose weight just by walking in them? There are so many: Fit Flops, Kangoo Jumps, and the clown-like MBTs–whose name, ironically, stands for Masai Barefoot Technology–but you really haven’t lived until you’ve seen a very overweight person teetering on Z-Coil’s spring-loaded high-heels.
2. Native American everything
Feathered earrings and hair clips make me think of an impoverished Thai laborer chasing peacocks and quails around a tiny pen. Or maybe they just pick up the bird and pluck that shit? Grody. On that note, these Native American fashions are going too far. Feathers, moccasins, beaded bracelets, and a tribal print top? Take a chill, Pocahontas.
3. Bluetooth headsets
We realize that Bluetooth headsets are a necessary evil, but that doesn’t mean you have to start coordinating them to your outfit (although the temptation might be great if you’re one of those people who never takes yours out of your ear). The Swarovski crystal-encrusted model was a no-brainer, but we saw a lady the other day with a wicker headset. Oh no you diiiiint, girrrrl.
4. Mask hysteria
Something’s in the water in blogtown, since all the electro-house dudes think it’s kooky to wear masks when they DJ. Toxic Avenger looks like a scary mime, and Bloody Beetroots wear barely breathable Spiderman-inspired face socks. “MASKTRKRFT” are a late entry to the game with gold Jason-like hockey masks, except the mystique doesn’t work because everyone already knows what they look like.
5. Anja Hindmarch totes and their knockoffs
Newsflash: You are not “eco” if you paid $200 on eBay for an Anja Hindmarch “This is Not a Plastic Bag” tote that originally cost £5. Second newsflash: Any reusable bag will do. You are just going to the fucking grocery store.
6. Hosted parties
This phenomenon is getting out of control, especially when there are more people “hosting” a party than actually DJing. If there are more than five hosts or 10 logos on a flyer, you’re pretty much guaranteed that no one is going to dance and everyone is going to think they’re cooler than you. If you need to see a list of who is going to be in the VIP area before you decide whether to go to the club, then you are a loser.
7. Koffe Cake “Straight
Outta Compton” tee
Clearly someone is trying to start another riot in L.A.
8. Return of grunge
Remember when everyone looked like a dirty bum, to the chagrin of parents nationwide? Yeah, it was fun, and flannel never goes out of style. But all that wool and combat boots was sweaty, and only models and junkies ever pulled off that baby-doll-dress-and-Docs thing without looking like a used Kleenex.
9. Dressing like cereal
Logo tees usually mean you have something to say, like “I like this band” or “this is my political ethos,” or even “I got this free from my auto body shop.” I guess wearing a Honey Smacks tee or Fruit Loops jeans says, “my primary interest in life is getting stoned and eating cereal.”
10. Dressing like a toddler
Guys, we already know you are big babies who are looking for your mommies. You don’t have to advertise it by wearing multiple primary colors at once and clothes with baby-toy graphics.