Bitter Bastard: City to City

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You know, cities got problems just like people do. There's a lot of shit-talking, a lot of jealousy, a lot of "grass is greener"-type stuff that goes down. And a really, really important therapy technique to just, you know, work through all this anger is just to write down your feelings on paper and get it all out. We were hearing a lot of he-said/she-said going on from some towns we know so we were like, "You know what? Stop being a coward. Just say it to their face. Just say it to their fucking face, you big babies." So here it is, brutal honesty to and from your favorite places.

Camden, NJ to Baltimore, MD
Harm City, huh? Bodymore? Murdaland? Exactly how many hard nicknames you got? Come at us when you get some real crime. And tell John Waters we say "Haaaay!"
Hugs 'n' drugs,
Camden, NJ

Detroit, MI to Berlin, GER
What up Berlin? Think you're so cool 'cause you made techno all minimal and fancy and Euro and shit. Like 'cause Richie and ole DBX moved there you got cred now? Well we still got Carl Craig and Underground Resistance and guess what else? Y'all Germans don't know jack about the jit, mmm'kay?
The D (That's Detroit, bitch!)

Portland, ME to Portland, OR
Hey Portland,
We think that you guys should surrender your name to us in perpetuity. You're bigger, sure, but we've got lots of years on you. Matter of fact, if you new-school hippies don't turn over the name we're going to wagon-train it over to the West Coast and kick your Teva-clad teeth in with our Birkenstocks and mukluks.
Portland, ME

Gainesville, FL to London, U.K.
Hey London,
We heard something about a "nu-rave" thing you got popping off. Well just to let you know we are the most old-skool from day one!!!! We've got the sickest rolls and the dopest breakz DJs around so don't test. You foolz should fly over here and we'll show you how it's really done in the glowstick circle.
*PLUR 4 evr*,
Gainesville, FL

Los Angeles, CA to San Francisco, CA
What's happening, San Fran? Yeah' said it: SAN FRAN. Fuck y'all. We takin' "Frisco" back, just as easy as we gave it to you.
Keep your flowers,

Toronto, ON to New York, NY
Um hi. My name's Toronto, and I was wondering if you'd lend me a quick hand. See, I'm like you, New York, in a lotta ways. 1) I'm big. 2) I've got a subway. 3) Even have 'York' in some of my boroughs' names. But, people kinda think I'm a wuss. Can you help me be more of a bad-ass? And where do I buy the best triple-fat bubble goose jacket?
MySpace me lata, bwoy!

Chicago, IL to Stockholm, SWE
Holy fucking fjords Stockholm!! Jose Gonzalez? The Knife? Love is All? Refused? Eric Prydz? I'm From Barcelona? Bathory? Seriously, what are you putting in your country's water supply to produce all these good artists? Oh, yeah, I forgot–universal health care and support for the arts. Hah. If you keep this up, Pitchfork's gonna have to move to Scandinavia.
Chicago, IL
p.s. Love those umlauts.

Phoenix, AZ to Atlanta, GA
Dear Atlanta,
Listen. The Hotlanta thing? It's gotta go. C'mon out West and we'll show you how it's done, sun.
Stay cool,
Phoenix, AZ

Berlin, GER to Barcelona, SPA
We know you are a warmer climate, but stop stealing our place as the coolest European city.