Bitter Bastard: Dance Music Don'ts

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Behold! A smattering of the most unnecessary things in club culture, courtesy of your dancefloor watchdog, BJ "Bitter" Bastard.

1. Topless female DJs
We just got sent this email from a dude who represents "topless female DJs" and it didn't even say their DJ names or anything about them as people, except that they played trance, house, and electro. I want to make a joke about this but it's hard to do while I'm barfing in my mouth. One small step for boners, one big giant leap backwards for all humankind.

2. Clubbing awards
Imagine a super-low-budget version of the Grammys, where Deep Dish and Sasha win 20 things and everyone thinks they're balling in white suits like it's fucking Miami Vice. These events might be halfway interesting if there were awards for "Most Bridge & Tunnel Club" or "DJ With the Biggest God Complex" or "Best DJ-High-on-Drugs Antics," but, um, there's not, because everyone involved takes themselves way too seriously.

3. Specialty dance clothing
You don't need special clothes and products for dancing–jeans and t-shirts have worked for people for years. Oh, and spandex. Lots and lots of spandex.

4. "Top 100 DJ" lists
Has anyone ever read one of these things and thought 'Goddamn, they really nailed it!"? But hey, 4,000 guidos in New Jersey who voted for Chris "The Greek" Panaghi can't be wrong... Can they?

5. One-sided 12" records
Let me get this straight: I pay $12 for an import, and you can't even be bothered to put a remix–hell, even a dub–on the flipside. Not even one of those nifty etchings of your label logo. Damn, you are lazy. What's worse, I got duped.

6. "Lounge" compilations
I like "lounging" as much as the next bastard, but I really don't want my apartment to feel like some nondescript Wallpaper magazine bar where no one cares about the music, the drinks cost $14, and it looks like a scene from Swingers. After I see legitimately good artists on a comp like this it kind of makes me suspect of them forever after.

7. Clubs with more than four rooms
Even in clubs with three rooms we feel disoriented. But five and six rooms? That's just cruel to the DJs, since the crowd spends all night pushing back and forth convinced that they're missing something somewhere else. It's like going to Disneyland, but without the fun part.

8. Red Bull and water
We're supposed to stay in the club until 4 a.m., not do drugs anywhere, and water costs basically the same price as a cocktail? On that note, how have they not figured out a way to make Red Bull cost less than $8? I'm considering taking out a loan to support my nasty hydration habit.

9. Celebrity DJs
If you're going to have someone like Tommy Lee or Lindsay Lohan DJ at your party don't call it a club, or anything that would make people think that it's about dancing and/or having a good time. And don't even get us started on Danny Masterson from That '70s Show. He used to be called DJ DonkeyPunch but one day he found out what that meant, so he changed his name to "DJ Mom Jeans." So hot.

10. Turntables that aren't on tables
If the DJ booth is perched up on a pedestal in the middle of the room, with the turntables suspended by a series of chains, guy-wires, or rubber belts, or balanced precariously on some wobbly-ass "stabilizing deck," just turn and walk away.