Bitter Bastard: Dumb iPhone Apps

Publish date:

When the iPhone came out, you couldn’t go to a party, a dinner, work–okay, basically anywhere–without being accosted by someone wanting to show you all the features of their cool new toy. The furor should have died down, but it’s only getting worse now that there is a specialty application for everything. While we await the “Send nasty letters to Palin” and “Track your bowel movements” functions, check out BJ “Bitter” Bastard’s picks for the worst apps in the iTunes store.

If you think Dave & Buster’s is a hoot, this one’s for you. Made by the horrifically named Chillingo Ltd., this ratings meter randomly scores you on how babelicious you are. Really, it’s not fair for Apple to give a leg up to dumb girls with no self-esteem and the lame guys that try to pick them up. For the pain this will wreak on unsuspecting bystanders, this app should cost $20.

Baby Babble
Not since the heroin-hallucinated baby in Trainspotting has a virtual infant been this, well, gross. Like some leftover from early ’90s Photoshop, you’re meant to finger this psychotic baby’s hands, feet, and tummy, causing it to giggle, burp, and over 160 other things that annoy you when babies do in real life.

Pottery Wheel
Pretend you’re Demi Moore in Ghost with this “stress-reducing” simulated pottery wheel. Yay. The only thing more boring than squishing virtual clay is someone giving you an iPhone tour of all the amaaaazing fake pots they’ve made.

Ever wanted to virtually drink a glass of milk? I know I have. Actually, you know what I’ve wanted to do even more? Shake my iPhone maniacally up and down for two minutes to create virtual whip cream that I can virtually squirt all over your body and then lick off. Virtually, of course.

“Do you like the contented purring and the relaxing effect of a cat but there is no one [sic] at hand when you want to relax a bit?” reads the creepy description on this computerized pelt. Not a cat mock-up, mind you, just a piece of pixelized fur that you are supposed to stroke in a “smooth and pleasing way” until it starts purring. Just talking about this makes me feel like a pet perv.

Mayan calendar
Because nothing makes the workday fly by faster than counting the seconds until the world ends.

Any “Relaxing” or “Zen” application
Gee, I don’t know why I feel so stressed out! I mean, I tried rearranging my Attaining Zen fake rock garden and that didn’t work, so I turned on that iRelax app with the fake nighttime sky and stared at that for a few seconds, but then I got bored so I tried that Relax app with its nighttime beach scenes but the sound kept resetting itself every five minutes so I turned on this other…

Lady Biz
For $14.99, ladies can use a special pink interface to keep track of breast tenderness, waking temperature, cramps, and intercourse. Um, anyone remember iCal? Also, if you’re so busy blogging about your giney health and your “cycle,” do you even have time to work? Any dude who sees this Lady Biz app on his girl’s phone is probably going to run for the hills.

Tea Timer
If for some reason you don’t know how to make tea, or how to use the timer function on your phone, you need this app. Also, you’re a retard.

Light Saber
A fake light saber that makes a noise when you swing your phone. Star Wars dorks, enough already!