What Not to Pitch XLR8R

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Toiling away in the editorial assistant’s chair for far too many years than most would consider healthy, our resident crab, BJ “Bitter” Bastard, has seen his fair share of lame PR spam come through the XLR8R press release inbox. Whether it’s stories on your horrible band or hip-hop side-project or the stuntwoman you represent or, uh, socks, here’s what BJ recommends you don’t waste your time pitching us.

1. Lame hip-hop
Obviously we love hip-hop–good hip-hop, that is. And you know how we know when it ain’t gonna be good? When it comes from a company that calls itself so-and-so Entertainment or so-and-so Productions… and that name is misspelled. This also includes anyone working any artist who tells us they are a genius or insists we review their shit, anyone who tries to convince us we should cover an artist “because BPM and Nylon have already done articles on them,” or anyone whose PR sheet relies on press quotes from Perez Hilton. That’s not a selling point.

2. Shitty clubs
We may cover club culture, but we rarely cover clubs. Especially not your club. So stop sending us information on your new 80 million-square-foot eco-friendly resto-lounge in SoMa or your Las Vegas shithole that is going to “revolutionize the nightclub experience” with bottle service, “state of the art sound and lighting,” and parties hosted by old Playmates of the Year. No, poolside Kobe sliders will not get us to change our minds. [Speak for yourself. – Ed.]

3. Useless technology
If you have some niche-y social-networking website that you think is gonna be bigger than MySpace or Facebook, we’re just not interested. We already spent too much time farting around on that shit as it is. Same goes for pitching us on MP3-synced dildos and Spinz Pens. Since when is pen-spinning or jacking off in time to Fugazi something we need a special accessory for? We do have hands, you know.

4. Bad clothing and accessories
Look, we already go to the trade shows that you can’t afford a booth at, so if we gave a damn about your shirts that say “Disco sucks, Funk = Gay, Heavy Metal all the way,” you’d know by now. This also means you, Mr. Shutter Shades and Mr. Skull-Screenprinted-on-a-Blazer. And the next time you want to send us an email entitled “Should we send socks?” simply imagine us answering you with a friendly but firm “Are you fucking joking?”

5. Random Interviews
Here’s who we interview: musicians, artists, and (very infrequently) authors. Here’s who we don’t interview: stuntwomen, stars of the new Blu-Ray version of Rambo, members of Switchfoot or the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band (though we can see how this might be confusing), CEOs of internet start-ups, self-help gurus, computer-gadget brand consultants, makers of Bach or Beethoven bobbleheads, the singer/songwriter of the “new classic song ‘Happy Mothers Day’” (again, we admit this could get confusing), and organizers of food festivals–even if they are Edwin McCain.